Some people find the wintertime increases their symptoms of
anxiety and/or depression. In fact, there is a disorder called SAD, or Seasonal
Affective Disorder. However, typically, when you think of people who are
affected by the seasons, you think of the cold and dreariness that comes with
the months of January, February, or March. However, some of us experience what
I like to refer to as Springtime Affective Disorder. As far as I know, this is
not something you can find in the DSM-5, but it is something you can find evidence
for in the literature on the changing of the seasons and anxiety. Just google
“anxiety and spring” and read the list of articles that link the change of this
season with an increase in symptoms of both anxiety and with those who have
bipolar disorder, mania.
With this version of SAD, just like the flower buds that
seem to have appeared overnight and the birds that suddenly jar us out of sleep
at 5 am, symptoms of anxiety and mood change seem to pop up out of nowhere.
Personally, for the past two years, my own GAD has kicked up
as spring approaches. So, though I can finally go for long bikes rides or sit
in the sunshine on my porch—which are typically things that help my mental
health—I’m so overwhelmed in my generalized anxiety, that I don’t necessarily
want to.
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| Me, on my porch |
This year, it particularly sucks because I’m now a licensed therapist
who specializes in anxiety disorders. For me, despite all I’ve studied and
know, I still feel the weight of shame and stigma, and it’s two-fold as a
clinician who also has a condition.
I was in total remission of GAD for over a decade when it
returned with a vengeance in spring (see that connection!) of 2014 (ironically,
also the year I started grad school to become a therapist). I worked hard at
recovery and by the fall, I was much better. By 2016, GAD seemed like a distant
memory again, and by early 2017, I almost forgot (though you never forget
because, by nature, it lingers as a constant worry in the background of your
mind) and then…Spring of 2017, a mini relapse. I worked hard and pulled out of
that one in just a couple of months and then…mid-April of 2018 HELLO!? Why are
you back?
This time, I am well aware of the reality that anxiety
doesn’t go away permanently, and I really know that…from being on both sides of
the couch… In fact, I’ve come to understand that it is your companion, at least
when it doesn’t spiral into existential hell. What I also know is that though
this is totally UNCOMFORTABLE, it’s not going to kill me or make me go
crazy—common thoughts/fears that we anxiety disorder suffers know all too well.
I know what to do.
With a little over 15 years of on and off therapy throughout my life and three
and a half years as a therapist, coupled with enough reading to fill several
graduate degrees, I am an (semi) expert…from both sides of the couch.
So, as soon as I felt it these last few weeks, I did two things:
1. Remind myself that the spring is activating for me (and millions of others).
And, 2. Recommit, with even more determination, to utilizing my tools. So,
though I don’t want to take that bike ride or sit outside, I do and when I do,
it definitely helps. In fact, it helps a whole lot.
And, though I have never stopped using my tools all this
time, I turn up the commitment and discipline a bit more. I think of it this
way: the diabetic can’t just stop the insulin because he doesn’t want to deal
with the chore of it, and the cancer patient can’t just stop chemo because it’s
uncomfortable or it makes them nauseous. Similarly, we, too, must not stop our
mental health care treatment just because it requires an effort we sometimes feel
we don’t have.
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| Bike path |
By the way, that’s another reality of recovery: you have to
continue to use the tools, to make them into daily habits, in order for your
recovery to stick. And even then, sometimes, symptoms flare because of
something completely out of your control, like the shifting of winter into
spring.
So, recommit yourself to your recovery. Push beyond the
stigma and shame you may feel. Get on your bike or grab your sneakers and go
outside, no matter how anxious or depressed you feel. I guarantee it will make
you feel better.
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